So I just got this video e-mailed to me. Like most of you, I hate when people e-mail me anything cute, cuddly, cool or otherwise (porn is o.k. and scenes of people hurting themselves). I especially hate people who preface their forwards with "I never do this but..." since these are the people who always do this and since their forwards are generally wretched.
However, since this thing has been out since the end of January and I hadn't seen it before, I'll assume you haven't either. It's by a group called improv everywhere and the concept is so cool that I had to look. It's what they call a "freeze" where they send a large group of people into a public area and they just go about their business. At a pre-set time, to the second, everyone freezes for five minutes. They don't respond, they don't speak, they don't move.
At the end of January they did this in Grand Central Station on a Saturday. More than 200 people in the area right around the clock. It's mighty impressive and they didn't even flinch when a station worker looked like he was going to drive a cart right over them! Now that's dedication to a bit. Check it out:
Eric "Big E" Wellman
Where did I go? I'm still here! I just got kicked upstairs so now it's all my fault, whatever 'it' is. I'll still be delivering 'Tailgate Tips' on the Jim Kerr Rock and Roll Morning Show. And I may pop up with Gerry Martire and the Friday Afternoon Happy Hour.
ON DEMAND
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
It's Finally Over!
T.S. Eliot was wrong. February is truly the cruelest month - for sports fans anyway. The entire month used to be a complete wasteland on the sporting calendar but then at least the NFL mercifully pushed the Superbowl back into the first weekend (of course we traded the last weekend of January for it but at least you have a free weekend to shop for your Superbowl parties).
Why do I say this? Let's examine it.
From the moment the Superbowl broadcast ends I generally give up the remote to my wife for the month. Why? Well here's what you have sports wise in February:
NHL - While I'm a hockey junkie, the month of February is really methadone. The playoff races aren't really heated up yet, the trading deadline is a month away (ok, it was Feb. 26th but close enough) and while "everyone" doesn't make the playoffs anymore, more do than don't so the pressure isn't quite there yet. I'll watch any hockey anywhere (case in point - Hockey Day In Canada where the CBC rolls a triple header of Hockey Night in Canada games starting at 1 in the afternoon and ending at midnight interspersed with human interest hockey stories from around Canada. I watched about 8 hours of it...) but it's not something I'll fight for.
[The legendary Don Cherry and co-host Don Mclean promote hockey gear from the host site of hockey day in canada - Winkler, Manitoba. The February sports calendar is only slightly more desolate]
NBA - Pro hoops are meaningless to me in general but in February especially so. Only a handful of teams have any prayer of winning the NBA title and with the exception of one team in the west who will be odd man out, they all have had their playoff tickets locked up virtually since New Year's Day. Plus since you really only need to see the last two minutes of any NBA game what's the point? I guess you could get really drunk and watch the Spanish language broadcasts on Telemundo. It's a good way to practice your Spanish and it's fun to hear announcers scream about a basket like it's a world cup clinching goal.
[Carlos Arroyo es muy bien en basketbol - repitan y beben! Rough translation: Carlos is very good at basketball - repeat and drink, all of you! ]
Nascar? I've tried. Really I have. I just can't get behind the sport with a few exceptions, none of which happen in February. Racing to me is only fun when there's actual driving going on. The super-speedways like Daytona just don't cut it. I love the road courses like Watkins Glen and I love the short tracks like Bristol where it's kill or be killed. Like they say - rubbin' is racin'! But in February it's just guys going in circles at 200 mph trying not to run out of gas. I'm out.
[500 miles of follow the leader. How exciting....]
What else is there? Well football is gone except for the Pro-bowl or as I like to call it the "risk-your-career-for-no-apparent-reason bowl". The NBA all-star game was pretty good but that's only a once every 6 or 7 years occurrance. It's actually so bad that when I went to the barber shop last Sunday afternoon for a hair cut, (a very old-school men's barber shop by the way where you can get a hot towel shave and no one gets their hair washed before the cut. You do that crap at home!) they had ESPN on the t.v. and in the middle of the afternoon it was showing........ drum roll please......... a Cheerleading competition! Are you kidding me? That's the best you can do on a Sunday at 2pm?
[HOORAY! FEBRUARY IS OVER!!]
But now it's March. The playoffs are upon us in two major sports and yes, Hockey is a major sport. Don't believe the NBA propaganda - despite Gary Bettman's best efforts to kill it the game is more entertaining than ever. Watch a game and tell me I'm wrong. But I digress - the playoffs are upon us. March madness is about to begin. Baseball is in full spring training mode and Hank Steinbrenner is already going insane. The Masters will be here before you know it.
I feel better already. The only person who's unhappy that March is here- my wife! She won't see the remote control for another 11 months....
[Welcome back baby, I missed you]
Why do I say this? Let's examine it.
From the moment the Superbowl broadcast ends I generally give up the remote to my wife for the month. Why? Well here's what you have sports wise in February:
NHL - While I'm a hockey junkie, the month of February is really methadone. The playoff races aren't really heated up yet, the trading deadline is a month away (ok, it was Feb. 26th but close enough) and while "everyone" doesn't make the playoffs anymore, more do than don't so the pressure isn't quite there yet. I'll watch any hockey anywhere (case in point - Hockey Day In Canada where the CBC rolls a triple header of Hockey Night in Canada games starting at 1 in the afternoon and ending at midnight interspersed with human interest hockey stories from around Canada. I watched about 8 hours of it...) but it's not something I'll fight for.
[The legendary Don Cherry and co-host Don Mclean promote hockey gear from the host site of hockey day in canada - Winkler, Manitoba. The February sports calendar is only slightly more desolate]
NBA - Pro hoops are meaningless to me in general but in February especially so. Only a handful of teams have any prayer of winning the NBA title and with the exception of one team in the west who will be odd man out, they all have had their playoff tickets locked up virtually since New Year's Day. Plus since you really only need to see the last two minutes of any NBA game what's the point? I guess you could get really drunk and watch the Spanish language broadcasts on Telemundo. It's a good way to practice your Spanish and it's fun to hear announcers scream about a basket like it's a world cup clinching goal.
[Carlos Arroyo es muy bien en basketbol - repitan y beben! Rough translation: Carlos is very good at basketball - repeat and drink, all of you! ]
Nascar? I've tried. Really I have. I just can't get behind the sport with a few exceptions, none of which happen in February. Racing to me is only fun when there's actual driving going on. The super-speedways like Daytona just don't cut it. I love the road courses like Watkins Glen and I love the short tracks like Bristol where it's kill or be killed. Like they say - rubbin' is racin'! But in February it's just guys going in circles at 200 mph trying not to run out of gas. I'm out.
[500 miles of follow the leader. How exciting....]
What else is there? Well football is gone except for the Pro-bowl or as I like to call it the "risk-your-career-for-no-apparent-reason bowl". The NBA all-star game was pretty good but that's only a once every 6 or 7 years occurrance. It's actually so bad that when I went to the barber shop last Sunday afternoon for a hair cut, (a very old-school men's barber shop by the way where you can get a hot towel shave and no one gets their hair washed before the cut. You do that crap at home!) they had ESPN on the t.v. and in the middle of the afternoon it was showing........ drum roll please......... a Cheerleading competition! Are you kidding me? That's the best you can do on a Sunday at 2pm?
[HOORAY! FEBRUARY IS OVER!!]
But now it's March. The playoffs are upon us in two major sports and yes, Hockey is a major sport. Don't believe the NBA propaganda - despite Gary Bettman's best efforts to kill it the game is more entertaining than ever. Watch a game and tell me I'm wrong. But I digress - the playoffs are upon us. March madness is about to begin. Baseball is in full spring training mode and Hank Steinbrenner is already going insane. The Masters will be here before you know it.
I feel better already. The only person who's unhappy that March is here- my wife! She won't see the remote control for another 11 months....
[Welcome back baby, I missed you]
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Getting A Few Things Off My Chest
Usually I'm pretty coherent. When I want to discuss a topic I am able to focus, list my points, defend them with data or evidence and then sum up. For the last few days however, several things have been running around my brain at once and I need to get them out. So in no particular order here are things that have been bothering me:
Ear Buds
Society is already screwed up and anti-social. There are very few things that still bring us together and music used to be one of them. But now, thanks to the i-pod, music has become a very singular experience. It's sad and I'd love to extend the social commentary here but that's not what's bugging me.
What's bugging me is people who have their devices turned up so loud that you can hear it - tinny and muffled but clearly audible - in public situations, like on the train. I live in Farmingville on Long Island. My train ride is over an hour each way. Nothing pisses me off like hearing that "undst, undst, undst" disco beat coming out of your ears.
[These are evil, they must be stopped]
In the old days, anyone who wanted to listen on earphones actually had earphones. They covered your ears keeping ambient noise out and your noise - errrrr I mean music- in. I miss those days.
[Look how happy this head phone afficionado is, or maybe it's gas]
By the way, if I can hear it you are probably doing irreparable damage to your hearing which is why you have to keep making it louder which is causing more damage etc. But none of this will matter because one day I will snap and smash your head through the train window. (Just kidding... right?)
Charging Me An Extra Dollar For A Plate
Item number two is a personal issue. I've been on a sort of low-carb thing for years. It's not really about weight loss as much as it is managing cholesterol. I'm actually in the 20% of the population who really should be on a low carb diet, not just a fad follower. So what's the problem?
Over the last few years a pernicious habit has been developing at delis all over Manhattan. I eat eggs for breakfast. 3 scrambled eggs by itself, in a dish. On Fridays I might add bacon. I don't get potatoes or toast or anything else. So how come I'm paying a dollar extra than if I got it on a roll? Are you seriously telling me that a stupid tin foil container costs 1 dollar more than a roll? Really?
<-- This really costs more than this??? --> 
I protested for a while by getting it on a roll, grabbing a knife and fork and then dumping the eggs on the wrapper, throwing away the roll and eating it with the fork. I can't stand it anymore. I feel horrible throwing away food and the grease stains on the desk aren't all that great either. So what to do? Anyone got the number for the health department? (kidding again... right?)
Back to the Trains
Ear Buds
Society is already screwed up and anti-social. There are very few things that still bring us together and music used to be one of them. But now, thanks to the i-pod, music has become a very singular experience. It's sad and I'd love to extend the social commentary here but that's not what's bugging me.
What's bugging me is people who have their devices turned up so loud that you can hear it - tinny and muffled but clearly audible - in public situations, like on the train. I live in Farmingville on Long Island. My train ride is over an hour each way. Nothing pisses me off like hearing that "undst, undst, undst" disco beat coming out of your ears.
[These are evil, they must be stopped]
In the old days, anyone who wanted to listen on earphones actually had earphones. They covered your ears keeping ambient noise out and your noise - errrrr I mean music- in. I miss those days.
[Look how happy this head phone afficionado is, or maybe it's gas]
By the way, if I can hear it you are probably doing irreparable damage to your hearing which is why you have to keep making it louder which is causing more damage etc. But none of this will matter because one day I will snap and smash your head through the train window. (Just kidding... right?)
Charging Me An Extra Dollar For A Plate
Item number two is a personal issue. I've been on a sort of low-carb thing for years. It's not really about weight loss as much as it is managing cholesterol. I'm actually in the 20% of the population who really should be on a low carb diet, not just a fad follower. So what's the problem?
Over the last few years a pernicious habit has been developing at delis all over Manhattan. I eat eggs for breakfast. 3 scrambled eggs by itself, in a dish. On Fridays I might add bacon. I don't get potatoes or toast or anything else. So how come I'm paying a dollar extra than if I got it on a roll? Are you seriously telling me that a stupid tin foil container costs 1 dollar more than a roll? Really?
<-- This really costs more than this??? --> I protested for a while by getting it on a roll, grabbing a knife and fork and then dumping the eggs on the wrapper, throwing away the roll and eating it with the fork. I can't stand it anymore. I feel horrible throwing away food and the grease stains on the desk aren't all that great either. So what to do? Anyone got the number for the health department? (kidding again... right?)
Back to the Trains
So the thing that really set me off on this rant was the last few days on the Long Island Railroad. You'd think that we all lived in Alabama to see how these guys have managed to be completely unprepared for snow that was less than 2 inches and temperatures all the way down into the ........ gasp........ teens!
[Dusting of snow in Alabama: Hey Maw! Didja cover the Jeep with the Tarp?]
What? Switches can freeze up if it gets cold? You have no answer for that? Really? Oh that's right, the answer is that there will be complete Cluster-f*** at Jamaica for all trains in any direction. Good plan!
Wait, trains need to be warmed up in cold weather? Really? An answer here too: we'll just cancel them! And then we'll make the next train two cars short and shove everyone in. Remember what I said before about this anti-social society of ours? Well this is one solution. Nothing brings people together like a common enemy.
[They spent more money designing this logo than planning for cold weather]
Oh, and don't forget that we'll get to pay more for this fine privilege on March 1st, an extra 90 bucks a year for me. Cool! And for that money I get a 90% on time rate. To put it in real terms, if you commute both ways 5 days a week you are GUARANTEED to be late at least once per week. How many of you could screw up once a week on your job and keep it? Anyone?
Don't even get me started on how they spend millions of dollars fixing "gaps" because drunks are too dumb to pick up their feet or look down at where they're walking when we still have a single track east of Farmingdale on the Ronkonkoma line. What does that mean? Well on a normal day it means NO trains travel for about 3 hours in the opposite direction at rush hour because they have to send multiple express trains down the line the other way and there's nowhere to pass.
It's nice if you get off the air at 5:30 in the morning. I've met a lot of fine homeless people in the Penn Station area in the last few weeks waiting for the 7:39. It's not like anyone lives in Deer Park, Brentwood, Islip, Ronkonkoma etc. (that was sarcasm by the way, it's one of, if not THE busiest lines on the system).
But then you get one inch of snow, a car slides into a crossing, a train hits it, and the whole line gets shut down for 3 hours both ways because there's no way around it. Also nice if you have to get into the city at night for work. The logistical geniuses were hard at work here too. Any buses to substitute for trains? Nope. It was like the guys fighting in the mud in Patton when they had their tanks stuck at an intersection.
[The Real General Patton would get things done! With a few measley gallons of gasoline he'd drive the train all the way to Berlin! Or Penn... Cool dog too!]
We need a Patton to come in, slap some people around and get this stuff squared away. Too bad he died just after the war. I'd settle for George Scott who played him in the movie so famously that people think HE'S the real Patton, not the guy in the picture above. But he's gone too. Hmmm... Tom Hanks did pretty good with the Fed Ex logistics in Castaway, you know, before the plane crash and all...
Oh well, maybe I'll just park on a crossing and get it over with. Except that I wouldn't want to piss everyone off on the train. I'd be dead but they'd be 3 hours late... hmmmmm......
O.K. I feel better.
[Dusting of snow in Alabama: Hey Maw! Didja cover the Jeep with the Tarp?]
What? Switches can freeze up if it gets cold? You have no answer for that? Really? Oh that's right, the answer is that there will be complete Cluster-f*** at Jamaica for all trains in any direction. Good plan!
Wait, trains need to be warmed up in cold weather? Really? An answer here too: we'll just cancel them! And then we'll make the next train two cars short and shove everyone in. Remember what I said before about this anti-social society of ours? Well this is one solution. Nothing brings people together like a common enemy.
[They spent more money designing this logo than planning for cold weather]
Oh, and don't forget that we'll get to pay more for this fine privilege on March 1st, an extra 90 bucks a year for me. Cool! And for that money I get a 90% on time rate. To put it in real terms, if you commute both ways 5 days a week you are GUARANTEED to be late at least once per week. How many of you could screw up once a week on your job and keep it? Anyone?
Don't even get me started on how they spend millions of dollars fixing "gaps" because drunks are too dumb to pick up their feet or look down at where they're walking when we still have a single track east of Farmingdale on the Ronkonkoma line. What does that mean? Well on a normal day it means NO trains travel for about 3 hours in the opposite direction at rush hour because they have to send multiple express trains down the line the other way and there's nowhere to pass.
It's nice if you get off the air at 5:30 in the morning. I've met a lot of fine homeless people in the Penn Station area in the last few weeks waiting for the 7:39. It's not like anyone lives in Deer Park, Brentwood, Islip, Ronkonkoma etc. (that was sarcasm by the way, it's one of, if not THE busiest lines on the system).
But then you get one inch of snow, a car slides into a crossing, a train hits it, and the whole line gets shut down for 3 hours both ways because there's no way around it. Also nice if you have to get into the city at night for work. The logistical geniuses were hard at work here too. Any buses to substitute for trains? Nope. It was like the guys fighting in the mud in Patton when they had their tanks stuck at an intersection.
[The Real General Patton would get things done! With a few measley gallons of gasoline he'd drive the train all the way to Berlin! Or Penn... Cool dog too!]
We need a Patton to come in, slap some people around and get this stuff squared away. Too bad he died just after the war. I'd settle for George Scott who played him in the movie so famously that people think HE'S the real Patton, not the guy in the picture above. But he's gone too. Hmmm... Tom Hanks did pretty good with the Fed Ex logistics in Castaway, you know, before the plane crash and all...
Oh well, maybe I'll just park on a crossing and get it over with. Except that I wouldn't want to piss everyone off on the train. I'd be dead but they'd be 3 hours late... hmmmmm......
O.K. I feel better.
Monday, February 04, 2008
I Know Who I Want To Win The Superbowl
So I figured it out. I know who I want to win the Super Bowl. I didn’t know until 20 minutes after the game but I know now. The Giants! And no I’m not jumping on an overloaded bandwagon (Did you know that in a survey of fans of every other team in the NFL done by ESPN magazine, they
If you read my earlier post on this I told you why I couldn’t pick a team. There were reasons for or against the Patriots, for or against the Giants. No scenario had a great outcome. And then I watched.
I watched an amazing defensive game. Some people like offense. Some people like defense. I just like a competitive, well-played game. I’m not the type who’ll watch an amazing pitchers' duel and say it’s boring. A 2-1 hockey game can be just as exciting as a 7-6 shootout. In football though it seems like unless teams are running up and down the field it’s “boring”.
Certainly all the women at my house party felt that way – until the last half of the fourth. Then they realized why it’s great. The defenses of both teams had exerted their will and stuffed the offenses over and over again throughout the game. 7-3 at the half? What, was Trent Dilfer or Brad
But as good as I felt for the kid, I still was sort of rooting for the Pats. In my heart of hearts I wanted them to go 19-0. And then Eli led that game winning drive with one of the best plays I’ve EVER seen, the escape from the sack followed by David Tyree’s mind-boggling catch. (Click here to see for yourself!) But I still wasn’t picking them to win.
And then Brady got the ball back and came within a Giants’ cornerbacks’ fingertip of hitting Randy Moss for at least a game tying field goal chance. And I still didn’t want the Giants to win.
As Doug Williams (how did that happen?) brought the Lombardi trophy to the podium to hand over to the New York Giants, and Coughlin and Strahan and MVP
Then Fox, never to ones to let a clichéd obnoxious story go, had show the 17-0 1972 Dolphins montage and I REALLY didn’t want them to win. Here we are 20 minutes after the game and I’m angry that the Giants won. And then it happened.
The post-game interview with Bill Belichick. There is word in German. It’s called Schadenfreude. It means to derive pleasure from the misfortune of others. (It’s also a show stopper in the musical Avenue Q which, although I’m obviously not a musical kind of guy is absolutely hilarious. Anytime you can see fake muppets having sex I’m in.) Well after watching Bill slog through what must have been 2 of the most painful minutes of his career (at least since he left
I remembered spygate of course (how could you forget it this week?). I remembered His smug dismissal of all charges against him with “It’s a league matter” or “We’re moving on” as if he didn’t do anything wrong and if he did, so what? I remembered the handshakes with Mangini, how he basically blew him off when the Jets beat the Pats in
[A real role model for sportsmanship - Belichick in 2006]
I remembered all the reasons why I truly hate this guy. I don’t hate many of the Pats, which is weird. I don’t hate Brady, I don’t hate Junior Seau, I hate Bruschi a little bit but you have to admire a guy who comes back from a stroke to play in the NFL. I don’t even hate Bob Kraft. I guess I hate Mike Vrabel because he’s only a slightly above average player who thrives in Belichick’s system but is mouthier than any other 10 patriots combined. But I don’t hate him more than the ’72 Dolphins.
But I HATE Belichick. If he got my Jets 3 Super Bowl rings maybe I wouldn’t but he didn’t. Because of all those things I mentioned and probably other reasons in my subconscious, I really enjoyed watching him squirm in that interview. Having to say the Giants played better, made more plays, having no real answers for why his juggernaut failed. It was exquisite! I was Nelson Munz giving the big “HAH, HAH!” to the TV for the entire interview (seriously, over and over again for two minutes, I was that happy). I was so thankful that the Pats didn’t win.
[I said Hah! Hah!]
I can deal with the few overly obnoxious Giants Fans. (By the way, get over yourselves. This was not the biggest upset ever, that was Jets over the Colts, and the line was ridiculous - it should have been 7 points. And please drop the comparison to the Miracle on Ice in 1980. It’s absurd to mention this in the same breath.)
I can put up with the ’72 Dolphins (maybe I’ll put Don Shula or Mercury Morris on my death Pool list for spite to make me feel a little better).
I’ve made my pick - I’m taking the Giants in Super Bowl XLII. Go Big Blue!
