Sorry it's been so long since I blogged but I had some form of writer's block I guess. Nothing was really inspiring me to blog since that crazy weekend with the Drag Queen. Well last Friday at the Roadshow I got inspired.
Most people assume that a big, sweaty guy like myself would automatically have some pretty bad smells. While that may be true the day after Super Bowl chili, it's a well known fact around here that my armpits smell wonderful. How do I know this? One of our in-house hotties - Amanda - sticks her nose right in there and takes a deep breath any time she sees me! Well she joined us at the roadshow at Mustang Sally's last week and before I knew it, she was on me like a bloodhound on a convict.
[Amanda wasted no time and jumped right in with both nostrils]
But it didn't stop there! Later on off-duty Q-crew member Lauren, at Amanda's insistence, jumped right in:
[Chicks dig the Big E - especially his special scent]
Which was quickly, and unfortunately, followed by her friend Scott:
[Neither Scott, nor I, swing that way but we kind of got swept up in the moment....]
All of this was terrific but the best was yet to come when Amanda's friends Emmy and Janine showed up. Emmy was tentative but brave as she went first. The deliciousness of the smell caught her by surprise as she blurted out "Oh My God!". I get that from a lot of girls... Then she grabbed her friend Janine and I sort of fulfilled one of those classic guy fantasies - the three-way! Unfortunately it looked like this:
[Two girls, one guy. Hey I'm counting it!]
Now I can't explain why it smells so good. I use basic stuff - dial gold soap, degree sport scent. But it somehow mixes with my naturally clean "musk" to create a bouqet that is just irresistable. Seriously! I can actually go out and play hockey and sweat through my shirt and it still doesn't smell. Weird, I know. But there's no arguing with the results!
If you want to try it come see us this Friday in Glen Cove. Two pits, no waiting!
[Hotties Janine, Amanda and Emmy enjoy the afterglow of a good sniff of the Big E and a Sam Adams]
So what an insane weekend I had two weeks ago! You’ve seen Goodfellas right? You know the scene towards the end of the movie where Henry is being chased by the Helicopter while he’s running all his errands? Got to make the sauce, take his brother to the doctor, check on the sauce, bring a bag of guns to the Colombians, go to the girlfriends house to get the coke, go home and stir the sauce, get the girl who’s his drug mule , pack the cocaine in the diaper bag etc… Well that’s how I felt by Sunday (except for the cocaine and guns of course).
[This is me on Saturday morning. Except I didn't need drugs to look that wiped out]
It started on Friday with the roadshow at K.J. Ferrell’s in
I get home and start cooking. The brisket goes first, it’s in the oven and rolling. A delicious apple-matzah kugel is next. Kugel is Yiddish for pudding or casserole. It is NOT the exercises that a lady might do to … ahem… “tighten”. Like most Yiddish words there isn’t a true direct translation. There’s as many types of kugels as you can imagine. This one is full of sugar and butter along with matzah, fruit and more sugar. The process of assembling is long and involved. By the time I’m done there’s just enough time to get that in the oven and done before it’s time to leave and come in for my shift.
So I do the shift, get back home, sleep for about 5 hours, get up and start cooking again. I make a tzimmes. More Yiddish which basically means a stew of sweet potato, carrots, dried fruit and some sweetener like honey or o.j. which takes hours to cook hence the phrase “don’t make such a tzimmes out of it” which my great aunt used to say instead of “quit yer bitchin’” (Yiddish makes everything sound funnier).
[mmmmmmm....... tzimmes! ]
In the meantime the draft has started so I’m keeping track of the Jets, checking Mel Kiper’s grades and fielding phone calls from Gerry Martire about the picks. Plus there’s baseball. Plus there’s playoff hockey. So In the midst of all the cooking I’m also trying to manage flipping between three different things on t.v..
I make another kugel out of cauliflower and leeks topped with dill, parsely and toasted almonds – it’s WAY better than it sounds. I make the Charoseth which is a delicious mix of apples, walnuts and sweet kosher wine which you mix together to represent the mortar which the jews used to build the pyramids as slaves in
[This is what a whole horseradish root looks like. Wonder how it got it's name?]
With all that done it’s time to clean (which my wife did most of mercifully), shower and dress. The guests arrived around 7 including my friend Andrew, the only other M.O.T. (member of the tribe) who brought the worst of all Passover traditions – The Slivovitz (I can’t complain, I asked him to bring it). Slivovitz is a form of plum brandy that somehow is Kosher for Passover. I think it’s because it’s actually jet fuel. Everyone attending the seder had to do at least one shot. It’s best to do it quickly like ripping off a band-aid - except that the band-aid is covered in acid.
[If you see this bottle run away! Unless you're looking to fuel up a 747]
We sit, we roll the seder, we eat. When we’re done everyone is full and happy and they roll out around and I can breathe. Of course I’m looking forward to Sunday when I can relax and unwind and recover on my couch. But no, it was not to be this weekend. Sunday we were getting A Visit From Aunt Barbara!