So after all the insanity of the Seder all I wanted to do was relax. But my wife and her best friend had decided to throw a Tupperware party – yes Tupperware. Of course the day they planned it for was the day after the Seder. I figured o.k., no big deal. I’d actually been to one years ago because a friend of mine needed a minimum of people to show to be allowed to host one. I bought some and got a few thing for free and we got drunk. Sounds good right? Not so fast my friend….
[Think the party is going to look like this? Think again!]
This party was going to be hosted by a special consultant. We were getting a visit from Aunt Barbara. This is not a euphemism for something else like “A visit from Aunt Flo”. This is a person. This is not actually my Aunt. This is also not my wife’s Aunt. In fact Aunt Barbara is an “Aunt” about as much as Mrs. Doubtfire was a “Mrs.”. She showed me one of “her” videos on Youtube:
Well, much like most guys can’t get enough of hot lesbians, most girls can’t get enough of campy drag queens. Especially ones who impersonate early 1970’s
It turns out Aunt Barbara is one of the most successful Tupperware party consultants in the country. We were about to find out why.
We don’t own a mansion, we have a nice 4 bedroom colonial with an oversized den and fairly large backyard. They invited about 40 people expecting about 30 to show. Well they found the videos of Aunt Barbara and not only did just about everyone say they were coming, they all wanted to bring someone! (I told you girls love drag queens). We’ve had as many as 60 people in the house for the annual Superbowl chili party but that’s spread out across two rooms. The Tupperware show was going to be in one room. It was going to be tight.
[A party guest greets Aunt Barbara - Girls love the drag queens!]
Well I did the only thing a normal red blooded American male could do, I got the hell out of there! Since it rained golf was out. Luckily my father-in-law was planning on watching the Rangers game so since all this was his daughter’s fault I invited myself over. The rest of this is complete hearsay as told to me by some of the 40 or so women who witnessed it. I was happily eating pizza and watching hockey miles away.
Aunt Barbara begins demonstrating all the wonderful Tupperware and breaks the ice with some contests. Things like “Who’s known my wife the longest?” “Who’s traveled the farthest to get there?” Basically various trivia about my wife and her friend. Now at the party I went to years ago we won, as Aunt Barbara puts it, “free plastic crap”. The prizes this time were more of the dollar store variety including:
U-Check Pregnancy Test
Twin Pack of generic douche (My wife won this!)
bra and panties (yes, dollar store “brand”)
canned luncheon meat (a generic brand of Spam, if you can imagine that. In fact don't imagine it! Watch this:)
She demonstrated various products like the spill-proof shaker cup in which one mixes up a lovely breakfast shake of vodka, half and half and Alba 77 drink mix. Do you know Alba 77? I do. My mother used to buy it. It was the first diet “milk shake” mix. I believe the name comes from the fact that with milk it was 77 calories. It was basically bad chocolate powder and sweet and low. It tasted as good as that sounds. With enough vodka though….
There was the insulated drink cup for the car where you could mix your martini, stick in a straw and if you got pulled over just pull the straw out and turn the cup upside down – see officer? No open container here!
There was the “rock ‘n serve” line which involved a microwave lid with a steam vent so you can cook in it, serve in it, and use the steam outlet to secretly open your husband’s mail.
[Here's a use for Tupperware Barbara didn't cover: trapping wayward bats]
This went on for about an hour and then they all bought tons of plastic crap. They had a great time. When I returned I was greeted by one of the ladies wearing the dollar store panties outside of her jeans, a sink full of empties and a houseful of half-drunk women still coming down from all the fun. I’m starting to think I should’ve stuck around as it was sort of like a bachelorette party after the male strippers leave. They’re doing it again on Labor day weekend. Wanna come?